WALSALL EARTHQUAKE APPEAL News of the disaster was swiftly carried around by the area's 35,000 racing pigeons, as victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "kinell" and "warappunned". The earthquake hit the town, causing £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementoes from the Balearic Isles and the Spanish Costas were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historical burnt-out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giro arrived. Radio station Karma FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Walsall. One resident, 15-year-old mother of three Tracy said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Madonna came running into my bedroom crying, I was still shaking when I was watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning". Fortunately her twins, Subaru-Ibiza and Keanu-Levi slept through it all. Locals were determined not to be bowed, as looting, muggings and car crime carried on as normal. So far, whilst the British Red Cross has managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to relieve the suffering of stricken locals, rescue workers searching through the rubble have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos, and bone china from Poundland. How can you help? Please respond generously to our appeal for food and clothing for the victims of this disaster. Clothing especially Fila or Burberry baseball caps - Kappa tracksuit tops (his or hers) - Shell suits (female) - White sports socks - Rockport boots or any other product sold in Primark. Food Parcels, Microwave meals, tinned baked beans, Crisp Snacks or anything with MSG. Also ice-cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew are ideal. Please do not give anything that requires peeling. And remember: - 22p buys a biro for filling in compensation claims - £2 buys chips, crisps and a blue fizzy drink for a family of 9 - £5 will pay for a packet of Old Holborn and a lighter to calm a child's nerves. Please do not send tents for shelter. The sight of such posh housing will cause residents to believe they have been forcibly relocated to Smethwick.